under the aegis
Ξ Saturday, 15 Mar 2008 at 02:40 | → Comments Off | ∇ Normal |
it’s the kindly time right now, and dark as can be, as far as I can see through my meagre window. i’m a bit out of it, but still here. I’ve not been up to all that much today. I went to campus to get my paycheck, with which I was quite pleased, and hung out at the pub for a bit with Nicole and the classics crew in general. I think Pithos is coming together, and I’m going to put some more finishing touches on Joan’s paper tomorrow, and maybe knock another paper or two out of the way while I’m at it. we’re aiming to publish it by the first lecture of the series, 02 April, and thus we need to get a move on. but it’ll work out. I’m just delighted to be a part of the process this time, no less “desktop publisher,” and it’s actually been quite fun.
and as I’ve said before, if any of you would like an issue (especially the last two, in which I had papers published), let me know and I’ll do what I can to send you one. It’s an indescribable feeling seeing your name and words in print, hardcopy that is… I see my words on here all the time, but in some ways it’s not as real as something that’s been disseminated in physical form. One of these days I will publish what I’ve done here, although I know that the first year or so worth of material is rather rough around the edges, and not my best work by any means. But that’s to be expected over a five-year span; a lot can change.
my mind is sort of dead right now. I’m restless but I know I should sleep, and I’ve felt rather unproductive lately. I understand now how Krista felt when she was writing her thesis and all… it’s a daunting task, and easy to get behind if you’re not alert about it. I changed my lightbulbs, thankfully, with Nicole’s aid (passing me lightbulbs, etc. while I was on the ladder), and thus I’m not sitting in the dark.
speaking of the dark, I wish that I could see the stars more clearly from here. recently I saw a telescope on sale at Walgreens for $20, and I was tempted to buy it. I know that a $20 telescope wouldn’t be the greatest tool ever, but I felt like buying it so that I could look at the glorious stars above me as I was walking over there that night. it’s so hard to see them from down here, such a strain on the eyes. were I able to, I would want to ’swim’ in that endless sea of stars, not worrying about solar radiation or any of that.
I don’t know where I was going with that. I hope this isn’t too stream-of-consciousness. my thoughts are scattered like myriad points of light. per the “friends” discussion from last time, I feel that there are few people who truly understand me. Few people understand each other period… we often cannot or will not “step into someone’s shoes,” so to speak, because it is too alien to us. It sounds cliche to say that “nobody understands me,” but that is not what I’m saying. The people who get me, get me, and those that don’t I can live without. It’s an attitude that aims to preclude wasted time and energy.
Once you know someone well enough, and think you understand them, you still don’t know everything that’s going on, and that frustrates us sometimes. we want so fervently to know the details of others’ whole and core existence, their complete life story. we with our voyeuristic tendencies love biographies and autobiographies, because it tells us more about those whom we idolise (or loathe, in many cases), and we can feel like we “know” them. don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt the same way, and I know I have even with blogs that I read, but it is often folly to think thus. people only consciously show what they want to show, and if they perchance show more, well, then that must be decoded and processed and picked to pieces, now, mustn’t it?
ideally the purest love creates a bond between two people that transcends this lack of understanding, and bestows mutual knowledge. but this is rare, I believe. I know that Nicole and I “cross wires” and such at times, and we don’t fully understand each other, but I think that’s what makes it beautiful. we’re learning more every day, mapping out what we know and building upon it, and we will continue to do so. what I’m trying to say, I guess, is that it is difficult if not impossible to get the entire picture of a person. maybe if people made multiple different documentaries or biographies of someone, with no overlapping facts — or if they did overlap, then with added details — and you watched every single one and analysed it carefully — even then you would not have a complete picture of that person.
our attempts to get to know people often only scratch the surface. the people most dear to you become that way through deeper knowledge of them, and in turn I think that you become dearer to them through that further knowledge. Life’s an interesting thing, innit?
People fascinate me and repulse me at the same time. There are so many wretched people in this world that bug the living shit out of me, but then there are those whom I love dearly and nigh unconditionally. (as an aside, even “unconditional love” has a price — I’d think that you’d probably change your tune if someone whom you “unconditionally” love killed your entire family, or even one of them. That’s where I draw the line at least, at the extreme end of the spectrum.)
All I can do is laugh, though, at the lunatics I encounter on the bus, such as the bitchy high school girls whom I saw recently on the 29, gorging themselves on Fritos and yelling “I’m eating on the bus, asshole!” when the computerised voice says “Eating, drinking, and smoking is prohibited on all transit vehicles.” Or the (presumably) high schooler who yells “Bitch! I’m going to State! Yeah, bitch! What the fuck, bitch!” — well, you get the picture. I’m not generally old-fashioned, but even I of the sailor’s mouth take issue with a teenage girl yelling “bitch” into her cellphone every other word. It’s just uncouth. I’m all for swearing, but I felt like combining that and yelling into a cellphone on the bus was uncalled for.
This world is full of crazy fucking people, though, and strangely enough, I’m happy to be in it. I bring my own kind of crazy to the table, but it’s nothing dangerous. more like quirky. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with so many stupid fucking people every day, though… stupid is worse than crazy, and stupid and crazy are the worst possible combination. I lament the state of our educational institutions, and especially the fact that we’re privileging remedial education — especially in English. when you get to college, you should be able to write a paper, and if you’re not, then you shouldn’t be in a four-year college. I’m all for education, I think it’s great, but I don’t think we should have other programs cut to pander to stupid people.
the thing is, the root of the problem is our lack of quality primary schools, a problem which we claim we’re trying to fix but never adequately do so. In Oregon we had great public schools, but I’ve heard (from Nicole and others) that public schools in California are absolute shit in general, and thus people are sending their kids to private school (bad fucking idea, and part of the reason public schools are not prioritised, probably). students are coming here without knowing how to write a proper paper or essay, and then the school shoulders that unnecessary burden by offering remedial classes to catch them up. On paper it sounds all nice and happy, but I think in practise it is diminishing the overall quality of education for those who did pay attention in high school — or didn’t get stuck with a shitty high school.
I know that probably sounded rather elitist, and that’s surprising coming from me because I generally hate elitism. I’ve always been smart my entire life, and I don’t tend to enjoy hanging around people who aren’t all that smart. It’s just the way it is, because I don’t have much in common with someone with whom I can’t hold a decent conversation. After I started dating Nicole, I realised how much better it was to date someone with a brain. Jenn and I had no real meaningful conversations that I can remember — we were on two very different wavelengths, and she is definitely not the brightest bulb. Wisdom and intelligence nourish the soul, and enable the soul to nourish itself in turn with more knowledge. Without knowledge and understanding, life is not worth living. Ignorance is not bliss; that quippy quote is bullshit. It may lead to partial happiness, but I think it’s difficult to even be happy without knowing the nature of happiness.
I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with all of this, and I hope it doesn’t sound disjunct and strange, or even malicious. because it’s not. I’m just writing down what I’m thinking and feeling, and if it offends anyone, well, let it still stand. I’m not taking aim at anyone in particular, lest any of you think that… except for those dog fuckers on the bus that I mentioned. I’m so fucking glad I have my iPod just about all the time and can drown them out, albeit with more insanity from evil geniuses in Britain.
I read a blog post recently about the last couple episodes of LOST, and I was quite glad to see that the author remarked on “Desmond’s theme” from the soundtrack. I’ve really enjoyed the LOST soundtrack overall throughout the series, but I worry that it would be rather nerdy of me to buy the soundtrack albums. I wonder if they are going to do a Season 4 album, because I would really like that theme if so. it’s so pious (and by pious I mean pius, duty-bound, rather than any religious connotation) and morose at the same time, epic and majestic. I remember when I first heard it and really enjoyed it (you could also maybe call it the “freighter” theme as well in some ways), and for a second today I thought of replaying the episode just to hear that track in the background. Crazy, eh? Here’s hoping for a season 4 album.
it’s time to descend into the dreamy depths, as far as I can tell. I’m tired and should sleep. I’m going to see what Nicole’s up to; she’s rereading her guilty-pleasure book series and has committed herself to finishing the third book tonight — and she was half-done or so when I last checked. goodnight, and may the gods above and below look upon you favourably.
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