Ξ Tuesday, 20 Sep 2005 at 01:21 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |
a different type of catharsis and nullifying epiphany. i now find myself single. yes, you heard me correctly. god, it’s cold here tonight. silence is a good thing. well, some things can’t be kept secret forever, i guess, and so my mischievous and hurtful escapades have been brought to the surface. i won’t go into those, because they’re not pertinent, and well, most of you who know me know what i’m talking about. everything was completely pointless, without any real rhyme or reason, simply a half-baked plan consisting of no real careful thought, but definitely concocted by a mind which is accustomed to being in the clouds usually. i did some questionable… hell, downright scelerous things, and well, my exit to that seemed to consist of my epiphany and catharsis within the last entry. nothing is ever that simple though. treachery, insidious treachery, abounds in some of the most unexpected places, but in this case, it lurked within all-too-familiar regions and borders. i shouldn’t have really expected that this would go unnoticed or no words would be exchanged. it was a blackmail bargaining item at the very least, meant to inflict as much anguish upon me as i caused (which i still don’t give half a fuck about causing, at least for some people) them.
although i showed null emotion on the phone talking with jenn, there was emotion behind my eyes, lurking in my head and heart, but she couldn’t see any of that. i felt pain, i felt loss, grief, remorse, but at the same time, i knew none of that would help the current situation, as it had been set in stone. hence, i accepted my place in the scheme of things; the suffering i embraced rather than rejected. still feeling monotone, i tried to explain myself, the inner workings of my head, what circuits had caused things to happen or not happen, et cetera, but it was all of no avail in the current situation. love fled a few hours ago from her, but it still remains in me, although i hold a candle for nothing more than friendship if even that.
my friends made me feel better about things. tried to help. Leora told me that it’s not my fucking fault, that yeah, i fucked up, but it was largely the work of those two who felt that they had to be so immature in order to bring me down with them, so to speak. however, it could be argued that I was the immature one for not always being truthful, hiding things, et cetera — all things which are not in my nature. honestly. you all know (i hope) that i pride myself upon being honest, that I try to be one of the most honest people I can be. of course we all tell white lies or shit like that, but these were some big fucking things, so i know i shouldn’t have kept them from anyone. i guess i just thought everything would be ok nonetheless. my other friends were sympathetic and told me that they know i’m not fake and shit and i am a good person. i know i’m a good person too — i just do stupid things once in awhile, sadly, which to some equates me with a bad or wicked or fake person.
perhaps this is for the best. jenn ended up meeting a guy recently (and no, me being single does not have *anything* to do with that), and well, i hope she is happy with him. she sounds like she is happier with him than she ever was with me, and especially now, so i’m glad for her even if she does end up hating me in the end. perhaps we did need to distance ourselves, to see what we’d be like on our own; whether we’d be autonomous persons, capable of anything we were previously as well as many other things, or whether we’d miss each other like hell. i know i am going to miss her… her smile, beautiful eyes, hair, smell, everything. but it will be okay. as i told ash earlier, “love lives and dies too, just like everything else under the shining sun and stars.” sometimes it’s reborn, sometimes it’s not. i’m guessing option #2 here, but still… we always have memories, and my memories are pretty fucking good.
(i’m getting fuzzy. its like 1am, and i’m running on ~1hr of sleep)
death and rebirth coalesce to form our mortal existence. i felt almost suicidal earlier, i was so terrified. i don’t know why either — i have never felt suicidal before, i dont think seriously, but yea, for a few short minutes, I did. i began to fancy razorblade showers, baths of lye, and other strange machinations. of course i am kidding with you all — i would never, ever, ever commit suicide (cf. my attack on it at the top here). as i said before and i’ll say again, suicide is the most cowardly and selfish act any human being can commit. period. so rest assured, until someone kills me or i (God forbid) die of old age, i’m here to stay.
in other news: i got my new domain! adikos.org it is, but don’t be scared if you see the ‘Under Construction’ sign up: it’ll be okay, i promise. i’m getting WordPress installed on there as soon as possible, and well, just working out some issues with the domain and hosting itself. oh, and some tidbits of information about the name adikos:
- adikos, -on, adj. unjust, unrighteous, wrong-doing < a-, not (alpha privative) + dik[ai]os, just, right. (Greek)
- ho adikos, then, means “the unjust one” or “the unjust man” or “the unjust woman”
- adikos was the name of an Eggdrop bot I used to run on EFnet. I kinda miss his AI module… he was fun to talk to.
hence my new website (a real, live, .com — well… .org) was born taking this wonderful Greek adjective/substantive as its name, since I tend to closely identify with hoi adikoi, even though I like to think I’m also a fairly upstanding citizen in society.
time to stop writing… i’m getting SLEEPY. and you know what that means. much love, i will write more later.
- todo: grab archive off here, add it to WordPress once you get WP installed.
yay.
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