Ξ Tuesday, 01 Mar 2005 at 02:39 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |
I. PROOIMION (intro)
I’m writing this on my handheld, because I’m too out of it to sit at the foot of my bed and type on the computer. at least too out of it to type this, which I do have to think about a bit, as opposed to chatting on IRC and what not. Again, it has been another very long week, quite possibly the longest week I’ve had in a long time (enough longs in that sentence, anyone?). All I know is that I’m tired, and rightfully so. Physically, mentally, and most of all, emotionally. I’ve been in the deepest shades, in the highest clouds, and back to some of the putrescent realms of the earth.
So apparently I haven’t written on here for 10 days. 18 Feb? I believe so. Actually, make it 11 days, since it’s now the wee hours of 01 March. I lament the fact that I’ve not written in awhile, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry things have been so hectic, and I hope you all realise that this comes with the territory. Us college students scurry around haphazardly, and basically go insane sometimes, so it’s not wholly my fault. So, let me attempt to reconstruct what’s happened over the past week or so. it’s not going to be in a hugely logical order, so bear with me, and I’ll try as best as I can.
II. PUELLAE ET AMICAE FABULA MEAE (story of my girl and friend)
one of the most significant things that happened this week was something crazy I did. well, it wasn’t crazy at first, it seemed wondrous and awesome. I was talking to my friend Blythe early Monday morning (21 Feb), and she said something to this effect (paraphrasing): “It’s strange… like I’m glad that you are so sweet, but i’m angry that I can’t date you…” I was blown away.. I was like holy shit!!! i’m like whoa, omfg… enough of that. So we talked about it and all, and she said “if you ever ‘take a break’ with Jenn, let me know.” This set the tone for the whole week for me, really. I was so excited, since I was going to hang out with her Wednesday, and I was on a high all week leading up to it. Wonderful, eh? Well….
Tuesday, 22 Feb: like any other day, normal and all, and I went to Jenn’s to study. I don’t know how we got onto the subject, but she was like “why don’t you just go fuck so-and-so?” the convo got decidedly hostile in a way, and I don’t remember exactly what happened. What I talked about with Blythe had been percolating through my head for the last day and a half, and I realised that perhaps it was time to ‘take a break.’ Jenn had asked me before if I wanted to, and I refused, saying that I didn’t need one and I was fine. I started thinking, “what if I did need a break those times, and I didn’t take it? might as well do it now!” We talked for hours about it, and needless to say, I got no studying done that night. Inexorably, I made up my mind, and so me and Jenn officially were ‘on a break.’ We tearfully said goodbye to each other, and went out into the dark blue night, feeling like a fucking asshole but elated at the same time. I realised, however, that it would be a huge error to have completely cut her off. We therefore decided that we were still together but able to date other people, which was comforting for both of us.
Wednesday, 23 Feb: I woke up, and all I could think about was going out to the sinny with Blythe that night! I got done with school, and then I called her around 14.30 or so to RSVP, and we decided to meet up at the $1.50 at 16.30. yay! i was trippin over it… I was so psyched. Mind you, I didn’t tell her that me and Jenn were ‘on a break’ until later (vid. inf.). I hung out with Jenn a bit before I went, actually, and then went off on my ‘date.’ I met her at the theatre. God, she was so beautiful… my fucking God she was beautiful.. IS beautiful! I wanted to hug her right then and there, but I didn’t know how she’d take that. We bought tickets and went into the theatre. Oh yeah… we were going to see White Noise. bleh. So yeah, we sat down and chilled, started talking. One, she has a really cute, sweet, sexy voice, and is really interesting to talk to. Two… umm… well, anyways, we kept talking. I like when I can connect with someone and just keep talking, no matter whether it is bullshit or something completely meaningful. We had so much fun just sitting there talking and getting to know each other… it was great.
The movie started, and I sat there next to her, watching, looking over at her every once in awhile. What a goddess… There were a couple parts that scared the shit out of her (lame, cheap jump scenes), and I leaned over with a smile and said “I’ll protect you” at one point, and she said “Thanks,” smiling too. I wanted to fucking snuggle her, to put my arm around her and hug her tight, but I was shy about it, and I was worried she’d trip cos she didn’t know about the whole ‘break’ thing.
After the movie, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves. It was like 7pm, and she asked what I wanted to do. I didn’t know, but she had suggested coffee earlier, so I said we should do so. We took her car, this awesome VW Beetle, and ended up going to Borders. I bought her a latte or something, and I got a good hot chocolate. We sat there and talked for awhile, just about anything and everything, and it felt like all was right with the world. I wanted to tell her about the ‘break,’ but somehow I couldn’t find the right moment nor the words. I wanted to kiss, hug, hold her… but couldn’t. We looked around at books and all, and she found a nice travel book on western Europe, which comes in handy since she is going to London in less than a month (vid. inf. for that later). Then we got in her car and went back to Gateway, cos I left my car there, obviously.
By then it was about 8pm, and she had to be somewhere at 9, and I had church. She asked if I wanted to get some food, and I said sure, where at? Well… I proposed we go to Taco Bell, and welll… she loves the BELL just like I do! What can I say… great minds think alike 
So we went over to Taco Bell and got some food, and sadly it was about 8:30 after not too long, and we had to get going. I drove her back to her car, and she said that she had a really fun time, and seemed really happy. I wish I could have hung out with her all night long…. Oh well. She got in her car and drove off, and I ended up narrowly making church. I can’t remember what happened at church really, but oh well.
Thursday, 24 Feb: Early A.M. I got online, and I told her about all that had happened, and how happy I was that we got to hang out. She was amazed, and she was totally cool with things, and I really wanted to see her again. I thought I might have been getting a new girl, or at least dating her, and I was really really happy. I went to sleep eventually. Thursday was uneventful. I saw Jenn for a bit (I think?) and then I went home. It’s really a blur. Oh fuck yeah, I remember. Blythe said she might be able to hang out on Friday night, so I told Jenn about that, but Jenn wanted me to hang out with her that night. Fuck. We got into a big argument over it all, and she finally said fuck it, go with her, not me. However, I spoke too soon…
I talked to Blythe that night about things, and asked her what was up for Friday. She said she was probably going to be busy later, and might not be able to hang out. The most important thing, however, is what she told me about our seemingly budding relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it is budding, and I love her to death as a friend, but I mean budding romantic relationship here in this context. She was concerned about starting something with me, because she has to leave in less than a month (told you so) for London, and she is going to be gone all term long. That’s until the middle of June. Fuck. So did I make a mistake, overlooking this very important fact? The short answer is yes. The ‘break’ with Jenn was mostly for Blythe, and I realise that I should have looked before I leapt. In my amorous elation and felicity, I failed to realise that she was leaving in such a short time. This fact was absolutely critical, because I realised that if we were to get together, it would be for such a short time that it wouldn’t even be an adequate attempt at dating. For a relationship to work, it must be sustainable, and hence be given time to grow, just as a plant must have enough rain and also soil surrounding it.
So as I was talking to her, I realised that it was doomed from the beginning. Not because she isn’t a beautiful angel or a sweetheart, but because of my lack of foresight and consideration. If we were to date, it would not only be unfair to me and her, but also to Jenn. Hell, it’s already unfair to Jenn. But it would have been unfair to me and Blythe because we wouldn’t have gotten an adequate chance to test our relationship, to see where it would go. While tragic, it’s how the cards are now, but I am not ruling out dating her in the future, cos you never know what could happen. After me and Blythe talked, and agreed that it was better that we just stay friends for now, I called up Jenn and as you’d expect, had some apologising to do. We worked things out, and now we are back together fully. I went to sleep, slightly troubled but fairly happy.
III. POSTQUAM RES FACTAE SUNT (after these things had happened)
Friday, 25 Feb: Woke up, felt like something was missing. Felt changed. Good, but sad in a way. Hell, I wish I could have seen Blythe still tonight, but it was alright. Got through school, and then Jenn wanted me to come over. As far as I know, we went to this trailer that Jenn and Christine are going to move into, that her mum owns. Wait, that was the day before or something. I can’t fucking remember. Oh well. Me, Jenn, and Christine went over to their friend Kim’s house. I believe you may remember me writing about her wedding (cf. 01 Jan entry, also written on my handheld). We just sorta chilled for awhile, then we went to Walmart (666!!) I hate Walmart, but they wanted to go, so we went. You don’t argue with a pregnant woman, either, which is what Kim is. Then after buying a bunch of shit, we decided to drive around Springfield a bit, and then we picked up her husband at work at midnight. We then went back to the house and watched TV and bullshitted for awhile. We listened to Chris Rock on the way back, Never Scared. That album is so fucking hilarious!! After awhile, it was like 2am, and I had to take Jenn home. Took her home, and then I went to sleep after awhile myself.
Saturday, 26 Feb: Did I mention I got off work on Saturday? Well… I told them I had to do homework Saturday, which I tried to do but I ended up sleeping too late, which was okay. Apparently the Higgerty Hotel was having a party that night, and I showed up fashionably late at around 20.30 (it started at 19.30). The party was pretty cool, but nothing much happened, and not too many people talked to me. It was a church party, as usual, and hence everyone knows their peeps, but I kinda stuck out like a sore thumb, and just tried to do my best. It was fun nonetheless, however, and I got to talk to some of my good friends there. Claude left around 22.30, and everyone wondered where the fuck he went, which was hilarious. I ended up leaving at 23.30, because I had wRk the next morning at 8am.
My friend illa uploaded me a dvdrip of Donnie Darko, and I burnt it to DVDR and sat down and watched it tonight. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I’d neever seen the movie before, and I was completely blown the fuck away by it. It is one of the best movies I have seen in months, if not the whole year. I resolved to buy it ASAP, and that is just what I did (vid. inf.).
IV. PICKING UP THE PIECES
Sunday, 27 Feb: 3 whole hours of solid sleep. Went to bed around 03.10, and woke up around 06.30. Well, maybe a bit over 3hrs then. Got to work at 8am, and worked all day until 15.30. Hilariously enough, my manager had me take a box of formfeed paper (you know, with the perforated dotted sides), take off the perforated sides, and also detach each sheet so they would all go into a pile and could be put into the printer. Even more hilarious is the fact that I got perhaps 1/8 to 1/4 of it all done. The box said 2700 sheets, so I must have done at least 700 sheets or so. My God. I told Jaymie about it, and she just about fell over laughing at how ridiculous it sounded. Oh well. Gave me something to do.
Bought Donnie Darko Director’s Cut and Boondock Saints. Total with discount? like $28.78. Illy. So I go home, and chill with my sis for a bit. Oh yeah, I chilled with her on Saturday night as well… we got Taco Time and then watched a couple episodes of the Wonder Years on DVDR. That’s why I wasn’t at the party earlier. Got home on Sunday, changed clothes, vegetated, and then went to mass. I don’t know what came over me, but tonight was very special indeed. They had this kinda shit they called Taize, which is sort of a chant mass. They sing things over and over, mainly Latin songs, such as the most beautiful of them all, “Beati in domo Domini” (Happy are those in the house of the Lord). They sang that during Communion, and I sang along as I went to get Communion and then sat back down. This girl Alison sings in the choir, and she has one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard in my entire life. I sat there after taking Communion, put my head in my hands, and felt like fucking crying cos she sang so beautifully. I have no idea what came over me, but it was this period of extreme joy and ecstasy. I told a girl I know at church that it was the most beautiful music I had heard at Mass for a long time. Hung out, went home, bibete et gaudete, all that shit…
I’m really too tired to write about today, however. Nothing much happened anyways. I might write some more about yesterday later too. For now, this is all. I hope you have enjoyed my week thus far…. I love you all!!! goodnight.
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