sometimes i feel so sublime…

Ξ Monday, 28 Mar 2005 at 21:20 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    strangely enough, i looked at stina’s blog just now and thought “hey, i should do this too!” but wait, i don’t like large parties. oh well, i tried. check the results:

                     Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

                     Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

                     Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

                trait snapshot:
                social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

1 Comment

Hey I have been trying to call you lately.   When you get a chance sometime call me and leave a message on my cell phone saying when I can  call you and get ahold of you.  That would be nice.   I woudl like to tell you when I am moving and where I am moving too.  I will talk to you later.

Posted 3/29/2005 at 9:30 AM by ryznstar2000

 

Ξ Monday, 28 Mar 2005 at 12:31 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    well, it was an interesting weekend. i had to work saturday night from 16.00-22.15, but that didn’t stop me from staying up insanely late friday night. it’s misting right now, raining softly. for the first time in a long time, i’m sitting inside mckenzie (formerly grayson) hall and writing away on an X terminal. instead of shitty Mozilla, though, I’m using Firefox, which should be more stable, I hope. Mozilla would freeze on me a lot of the time… I hope the same isn’t true for Firefox on X Windows. in any case, it’s strangely good to be back in a way. tired, and wishing i had more time to fuck around, but feeling good nonetheless. greek at 13.00, and after that nada, so i’m going home to work on another couple grad school apps. the rain’s coming down a bit harder, and now i can see some wind blowing through the trees. the rectangular plot of grass, extending the length of this row of windows, is verily inundated and engorged with water. i guess it truly is the start of spring.
    i found myself wondering about when i will eventually publish these entries (in book form, that is). who would want to read them? would anyone glean any further knowledge from them? would they see them as didactic, as somewhat informative and enlightening… or just a small cross-section of one soul’s life? griefs, triumphs, everything in between? it’s almost like a time capsule. in fact, that is exactly what it is, a repository for feelings, thoughts, emotions, words… one’s soul… the very essence of life itself. i wondered too about how it will be received, if i should be a relatively successful professor. will these words of youth discredit me, or will concessions be made for youthful caprice? i don’t know, and really, it is something that I want to do no matter what. perhaps i reflect too much upon this, and it is something i shouldn’t really worry about too much. just gotta take things one day at a time, i guess.
   but i digress. the wonderful poet Ovid digresses a lot too, however, so I guess I’m in good company. in any case, I was talking about Saturday, which seems like a lifetime ago, really. so, i woke up fairly late (11 or 12?) and then fucked around a bit before I had to go to work. luckily, last week I’d (after 9 months) gotten a shirt. by a cruel twist of Fate, somehow, only womens’ shirts were ordered, but I decided not to press the issue, since it might take another 9 months, and so I took a womens’ 2XL buttonup shirt, short-sleeve even. it works nicely, surprisingly enough, but all the buttons are backwards, which pisses me off. fuck it though, it’s better than the white bullshit i wore for the last 9 months. well, i worked with Kim again, and it was alright. same old same old, you know. i ended up getting stuck at the registers a lot of the time, which sucked ass, and barely got any time to relax. i guess work is not for relaxing though, bleh, by definition.
    around 5 or 6 or so, about the time of my first break, jenn and christine came to see me. christine came up behind a customer i was helping, and i looked at her and recognised her and said ‘nice hair!’ she’s got reddish-brown hair, she dyed it, and she looks like “MJ” (Kirsten Dunst) in Spider-Man. same shade, at least. it looks fucking sexy, if you ask me. i told jenn she should dye her hair the same way, cos it’s fucking hot. i dunno why, but christine looked really hot like that (she always does, cos shes a cutie, but she looked really gorgeous with that hair). in an astounding loss of wits, i proceeded to the electronics dept. and bought three items:
    – the notebook dvd (for jenn… brownie points, and i know she loves that movie)
    – the oc season 1 (guilty pleasure, i know)
    – metroid prime 2: echoes (fucking a… i’ve been waiting for this for awhile)
    oh well. $100 down the drain or so, but it was worth it. i wanted to get some lunch later, but the deli was closed at safeway, and so i just got some chips and apple juice (dinner of champions!). after that, i worked more, and eventually we got out of there around 22.45, which is about on par really, lol. jenn wanted me to come bowling with her and her friends afterwards, so i went to taco bell and got some real lunch. after that i went over to bowl with them at firs bowl. apparently it was a decent-sized gathering: jenn, christine, jenn’s friends kim and eric (they’re newlyweds), eric’s friend jon and his girlfriend terra (?), and this guy james who was a friend of theirs. christine’s boyfriend dan was coming later, apparently. so i got some shoes and started bowling. i was kicking some fucking ass too, i got a bunch of strikes and shite, spares too. it was a lot of fun.
    we guessed that dan would arrive at 23.59, since the place closed at 00.00. dan is a weird guy… i don’t know a lot about him and christine’s relationship, but i think things are a bit rocky for them sometimes. in any case, he came at around 23.40 or so. we finished bowling right when they closed, at midnight or so. afterwards, me and jenn headed over to her house. when we got there, her dad was awake and up and watching the country music channel (BLEH!). i sat there, mesmerised by the ridiculousness of the channel, while jenn was upstairs changing, and as usual, had nothing really to say to her dad. he kinda frightens me in a way, but i guess one’s girlfriend’s dad is supposed to frighten them. it’s like a rule or something. finally she came back, and we just sat there for a bit. eventually her dad went to sleep, and we decided to watch an episode of CSI she had on her tivo.
    we were waiting for christine to come back home, since she was going to dan’s to spend the night, but jenn had left those three glorious items in her car, and i wanted two of them. christine came back while we were watching the show, and thankfully gave us the stuff, and after we watched the episode I said goodnight and went home. on the way home i stopped at arco, and got some corn nuts and some soda for the hell of it. if i remember correctly, too, i listened to michelle branch on the way home. wow, i am getting soft, bahaha… i dont know. after i got home, i think i got on the computer for awhile and then i might have watched some pete and pete (i’ve been watching those lately). i know i played some metroid prime2, which is such a fucking awesome game! i didn’t go to sleep until around 6am, and then drifted into a troubled sleep, which is somewhat the way i like it. i had some crazy dreams, i think i dreamt about this girl at church… but not sure. it’s all a blur really.
    sunday arrived, easter sunday. i woke up around 12.45, and i was planning on going over to jenns to see her a bit before we went to my grandma’s for easter. i called my grandma, and found that the festivities were starting around 14.00 rather than the 16 or 17.00 i’d expected, and so i made it a point to haul ass over to jenn’s. now can anyone tell me if there’s a taboo about sex on easter? well i sure hope not, because that’s what happened. bahaha… i couldn’t resist. i took a shower over at jenn’s too, and then we got ready to go, and left. jenn made these cheesy potatoes and we took them with us. got to my grandma’s around 14.30, and all the food was ready to eat!
    i tried some of jenn’s potatoes but they were kinda crunchy and weird, but at least i tried them. my grandma made this bomb-ass sliced ham… it was fucking good! she made some biscuits too, they were fuckin illy… you can always, always count on grandmas to make some of the illest shit. after we had lunch/dinner, and then my mum brought out some easter cookies she bought (drenched, inundated, covered with frosting) and little plates of robins’ eggs (malt balls, not actual eggs, lmfao, you know the shit). so we sat there talking a bunch, and my parents had brought our terrier-poodle Joey over, so we played with him a lot, and anna and my mum were goin after easter eggs and hiding them. my grandma got me a teddy bear as an easter present, to add to my big collection of them. yeah, i have a collection of them… my parents and etc. have been giving them to me since i was a kid, but i haven’t gotten one for awhile. i’ve got these Steiff bears, which are apparently really expensive. one day perhaps i’ll sell them, i don’t know. jenn and me went back to her house after awhile when everyone left, and i stayed at her place for awhile, watching a bit of tv, and then i left a bit after her parents got there.
    more michelle branch on the way home. lmfao. i’m so insane, such eclectic taste in music. drove home, and by this time it was around 19.00 or so. i think i came home and booted my sis off the video games, and then played metroid prime2 for awhile. later on i asked anna (my sis) if she wanted to go to the store and get anything. we went to the store and got some shite, and then watched some pete and pete. god, that show is so fucking hysterical…. after we watched a few episodes, it was almost midnight, and she played some legend of legaia for awhile. at around 1am, i played some more metroid prime2, and i didn’t stop playing until almost 3am. went to sleep, and thus, the end of spring break was at hand.

---

    alright now. so it’s monday morning, well, afternoon now. my first class was at 10am, my Greek and Roman Tragedy class, and i started off in the wrong room, bahaha. that never ever happens to me, but well, it did this time. I sat down in 303 Gerlinger, and waited for class to start. i scoped out the room, looking around a bit, and I saw the most gorgeous girl ever, a sorta fat chick in pink…. wow! hehe… i was like yeah, this is gonna be a fucking GOOD term! then I spotted a familiar face in the crowd, my friend Ben from Greek 301, and he came over to sit next to me. he asked me what i was doing in 19th Century Philosophy, though, and I said “what? i’m in the wrong room?” he said yeah, you want to be in 301. went nextdoor, and sure enough, there was my prof John, and so I sat down in there, feeling bewildered and a bit embarrassed. oh well. my friend Evin is in there, though, who I work at Shopko with, and so that is cool. He’s taking history 414 as well, which I took 2 years ago, and I told him it was a good class.
    on the way over to Grayson, I walked with him a bit, and then met up with Logan from my Latin class, and he’s in 414 as well, so the two of them walked off to class and I went to go get a bagel. well, i got the best bagel ever, covered with toasted onions, and then i went over to the UO Bookstore to get some soda, and met up with my friend Brian there and talked to him for a bit. after that, i came here, and here I am. My friend Zack from church has a class right near here, and I talked to him for a bit before he went to class as well. that’s all that’s happened though, from Saturday to today.
    i must say one thing though…. i really, really, really miss Blythe. it’s crazy…. i mean i saw her a bunch earlier this week, but i haven’t really talked to her for a few days and I really miss her i actually was logged on thru VNC on here to my computer, and I saw her pop online for a second, but by the time I got back to VNC, she was gone… i will have to email her i guess and say hi, or facebook msg her. i dunno, i just really miss her… i hope we get to talk fairly often, but i know she will be busy with plays and all over there, and having fun, so i understand. i’m sure she will make time for me and all though.
    speaking of that, i myself have been guilty of not making enough time for everyone. i really try to, and i hope i try hard enough. i realise i dont get a chance to talk to every one of my friends regularly, and i’m sorry for that. things get crazy, and life just gets crazy. i’m not really a busy person, like i’m not doing something every minute of the day, so i don’t understand it sometimes. i really need to work on it, and i apologise if anyone has felt left out or ignored or anything, because that is not my intent at all, and i’m sorry. i really am. i love you all and i hope you know that, even if i’m not always around… i really try to be. you know me though…. “i cant do this alone.” but i do need that reasonable degree of solitude, and perhaps sometimes i take too much of that solitude, i don’t know. anyways, much love to everyone, and i’m sure i’ll talk to some of you soon. have a wonderful rest of the day, and i may write later tonight. i’m somewhat poetically inspired today, so we’ll see what happens. peace.

 

Ξ Friday, 25 Mar 2005 at 05:12 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    it’s been a good day, really. woke up around 13.00, and just relaxed. we were planning on going to see ‘be cool,’ but i hadn’t secured any funds for that yet, so i was worried about all that, and i had invited my sis, my mum & dad, jenn, and claude to go. i worked on some grad school stuff, printing out materials and such, and after that, it ended up being almost 18.00, and Be Cool was at 19.05. my mum gave me her ATM card and told me to get $40 out, $20 for gas and $20 for the movie & food. yay. got all the plans squared around, and went out the door, going to pick up jenn. i got the $40 out, and was at jenn’s by around 18.35. we needed to haul ass immediately, so we got into her car (i didn’t get gas yet), and drove to the movie. we got there around 19.00, and ran in quickly after meeting up with claude.
    it was a pretty hilarious movie, for sure. i’m glad i’d seen get shorty, cos i wouldn’t have understood a lot of the shit they were talking about otherwise. after the movie was over, me and jenn left, and claude went home. jenn wanted to get some dinner at IHOP, and so we went there. it was about 21.30 then, and there was only one waitress working in the entire restaurant, and i felt bad for her. we ordered – i got the ‘breakfast sampler’ which had 2 of just about everything: eggs, pancakes, sausage, bacon, ham, and hash browns. ordered a root beer and cheese sticks too. jenn got diced ham and eggs, which apparently was good. i’m not a huge egg fan, so i don’t know. after that, we made it to jenn’s house a lil after 22.00, and proceeded to watch tonight’s OC on her tivo. we watched that, and then i had to go home. we moved her couch though, since her p&m are moving soon (as well as her and christine), and then i left for the gas station. got $20 worth of gas, a bag of sunchips and a litre of dr. pepper. listened to Mirah on the way home (that album is SO growing on me) and some Michelle Branch… god i’m getting soft in my old age, eh? hehe…
    got home, and commenced sitting on the computer and relaxing. ever since i got firefox, i’ve been exploring its nooks and crannies, and well, i LOVE the Live Bookmark feature. it basically lets you have a RSS feed as a bookmark, and so I’ve added quite a few (CNN, Slashdot, BBC News, and most recently UK’s IT newspage The Register). i’ve hence become a news junkie, and I’ve been trying to read the articles as much as I can. I really need to know what the fuck is going on in the world, and i’ve not read the newspaper in a long time. so i’ve been reading the stories, yeah, and trying to get a picture of what’s happening these days.
    so far I’ve come up with some hilarious shit….

    “Officials: Diner finds finger in chili”
    The headline from the (short) article:
    SAN FRANCISCO, California (Reuters) —

    A diner at a Wendy’s fast food restaurant in San Jose, California, found a human finger in a bowl of chili prepared by the chain, local officials said Wednesday.
    Obviously I’m not eating the chili there, for fuck’s sake. never really wanted to, but hey, here’s incentive not to. Stina said that she was going to go to Wendy’s to get a burger, but after I told her about this story, she decided against it. she said that since they put the finger in the chili, now it has to be in another food item, LOL!

    “Pet store owner: Satan’s image on turtle’s shell”
    Headline:
    MICHIGANTOWN, Indiana (AP) –

    An Indiana pet store owner says he sees the image of Satan on the shell of a turtle that was the only survivor of a store fire in October.
    wow… you guys need to check out this link, it’s hysterical. i love weird news!

    “‘Recalled’ Xbox goes bang in Sweden”
    Headline/beginning of article:
    An Xbox has blown up in a user’s face in Sweden, despite the console being fitted with a replacement ‘power cord’. In February, Microsoft issued a recall of over 14 million power cords supplied with early Xbox consoles, and sent users a fault interrupter as a replacement. The interrupter has been standard issue on later Xbox units.

    “I got sparks in my face and the whole apartment smelled of the burn” Anahi Reinoso, 25, told the newspaper Aftonbladet last week.
    I was cracking up after I saw this, actually. I mean it’s bad, but kinda funny at the same time. fucking weird. and a black mark on Microsoft’s record, for sure. heh.

    “Australian school bans iPod”
    I’m actually going to give you an excerpt from the article, which I thought was kind of fucked, frankly:
    Take one example. Riding back from the Sunset tonight on a busy MUNI bus, the 71 that goes through Haight, a guy got on with a tripod – a very unassuming and busy guy. The sweet girl opposite, who was with three friends, struck up a conversation with him. The bus trundled on and on, as MUNI does, but these strangers were getting on really well. And when they got off, he picked up his tripod and got off the bus with them, having found … who knows what? This could be the best thing that ever happened to them both. They certainly appeared to have the all the faculties necessary to look after each other really well, and isn’t it nice when life provides such random strokes of good fortune?

    But it wouldn’t have happened at all, if they’d been wearing iPods. For sure, if these iPod people might also be “Blog People”, they could have gone home alone, and broadcast these near misses on their weblogs, or posted hopeful messages to the tiny classified “Close Encounters” sections of newspapers, or Craigslist. But in none of these situations would have been alive with the possibilities of you know, actually getting laid.
    my editorial stance on this? well, I think it’s asinine to attack bloggers like that. personally, I’m proud to be both an “iPod Person” and “Blog Person.” i’m not antisocial. yes, i’m shy, I don’t have a million friends, but i’m not a pathetic, stupid motherfucker like they make bloggers out to be. *shrugs* the whole banning iPod thing is just funny though…. people will find another way to be ‘antisocial,’ I guarantee it. whatever happened to hiding in the bathroom to get out of going to class? lol….

    Ok. Last one, I promise. i’m sure you’re getting a bit sick of these by now.
    “Rise of the man-eating cyberloo”
    Key part:
    Unless you live in Aberdeen, in which case we advise you to take your chances indoors. The reason? Battalions of remote-controlled stealth cyberloos disguised as manhole covers but capable of rising from the pavement in seconds and devouring up to three urinating Scotsmen in one vicious attack.
    Fucking hysterical. Apparently there are ’smart’ bathrooms or Porta-Potties, and they can ‘devour’ passersby, who are fooled into thinking they are manhole covers. Am I off-base, or does this also sound like a deterrent to public urination?

    alright. it’s 5am, and i’m fucking tired. sorry to bore you if I did, but yeah…. I got to talk to my wonderful, gorgeous, sexy, lovely goddess of a friend ANNA tonight, whom i love dearly, and i miss dearly too. shes my sexy azn australian anyways, we talked for awhile, and caught up a bit, which was really nice, but she just went to bed (midnight there on Friday, while its 05.10 Friday here), and I think it’s my cue as well. everyone have a wonderful night, and you know I love you all… thank you all for reading my last entry if you did, also! sleep tight everyone. none of this “cant sleep clowns will eat me” shite! peace.

 

Ξ Thursday, 24 Mar 2005 at 05:30 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    edit: you know what? fuck my disclaimer. i’m going public. all of you, i hope you enjoy… (01.09 fri 25.03.2005)
    my disclaimer is as follows: this is my first ever ‘protected’ entry, and well, i only want friends to read it, really. i hope that my thoughts and actions are not met with extreme criticism, but with understanding and thoughtfulness. perhaps i will make it public later on, but for now, it stays with friends.
    i’ve been up in the vast blue of the heavens, and down in the deepest depths. it’s not something like manic and depressed, or any of that, just a whirlwind of feelings lately. i’ve expressed before to many of you that this is like ‘therapy’ almost, writing things down, getting them out in the open. it sounds real emo and lame, but it’s true, and it serves a purpose. i try to do the best i can, and i end up making mistakes, but i really try to have no regrets about what i do or what happens. the same thing goes for my posts on here too; i never ever edit a post after it’s completely done. i’ve done it perhaps once, but that was just for spelling mistakes or something. what i write here is what will stay. it is a complete, accurate portrait of my feelings and thoughts and mindstate at that point in time, and i will not destroy the authenticity of it with reediting. anyways, i am probably going off on that, and that’s not my intention.
    it has truly been an interesting week. i used to think my life wasn’t all that interesting, but i realise now that a lot of crazy shit happens to me, around me, or at least because of me. who knows. my life is not boring in the slightest, although i really think so sometimes. i’m constantly inspired by things, and if i wrote everything down, i’d fill volumes probably. that is partly what i intend to do with this, to give a cross-section of my life, and i try to make it as true as possible, even if you don’t see the entire picture all the time.
    the last time i wrote was sunday, and it was sunday morning, actually, very early a.m. a lot has happened since then. jenn has gotten jealous cos of me a bunch, and i’m not exactly proud of that. makes me sad. we’ve had our grief and our triumphs, though, and it’s largely been triumphant. i guess i’ve just done some things this week that a lot may find ‘questionable.’ i’m probably opening myself up for attack here, and that’s fine, i understand where everyone is coming from with it, so attacks are ineffectual really, only resulting in pain for me. i’m not perfect, and i have never claimed to be: i know i’m a shattered soul in many ways, and i’m happy with that. every time i just keep putting myself back together, with help of course, and although i may be shattered again at any time, it doesn’t matter. to quote a sagely (albeit insane) cultural ikon:

    “Why do you build, when you know destruction is inevitable?
     Why do you yearn to live, knowing all things must die?“
    – Kefka, Final Fantasy VI

    just as we are born, we begin to die. a famous astrologer (famous? maybe…) once wrote such:

    nascentes morimur, finisque ab origine pendet
    “As we are born, we [begin] to die, and our end depends upon our beginning.”
    – Marcus Manilius, Astronomica 4.16

    ok, enough quoting (for now). so i’ll quit being abstract already. or i’ll try at least…
    sunday, 20 march / monday, 21 march (early a.m.): as far as i remember, i slept in late on sunday, and then was going to go to church that night. jenn wanted to see me, however, and i ended up not going to church, but we went out and eventually ended up renting “get shorty” and watching it. i got home around midnight, and i just chilled and talked online. this is where things got interesting, and most likely some of you will look down upon me, but as i said, understandable, but i still hope you don’t.
    i got online and started talking to my friend blythe. she told me “oh, im glad you’re online, i wanted to talk to you.” i was like yay, i was happy, and so i talked to her a bunch. turns out she was alone at her house; her roomy was gone, and she was the only one there and terrified. it was around 1am by this time, and i guess an empty house might be a bit frightening for her. i felt bad, and i wished i could do something. well…. being the gentleman i am, or at least what i try to be, i offered to come over and keep her company so she wouldn’t be scared. of course, this also gave me a chance to see her, so it was a good thing either way. so yes, around 1.30 or so, i slipped out of the house and got into my car. jenn called me right when i got in the car, and she called to tell me goodnight. now this terrified me, of course, and i felt a bit guilty. actually, she had called earlier to tell me she was going to bed, and i told her goodnight, but then she called again. i told her i’d talk to her tomorrow, and got off the phone and started driving.
    got down to her house and i called blythe when i got there, so she wouldn’t be freaked out when i knocked at the door. knocked at the door and she let me in, and voila, there we were. i put my coat on her table and i sat down on her couch. she gave me a lil tour of her place and all — she has a really nice lil house. her cat is cute too, her name is lily, and i think she’s in love with me. bahahaha… well, blythe loves me too im sure anyways, she showed me her bedroom — and yes, it does sound bad, but bear with me — and so she said “well, we can sit down on the couch or in here or wherever you want,” and i said “this is fine.” so i laid down on her bed next to her and we were just talking and all, having fun, you know. it was really nice and sweet, just like she is. both of us were wide awake though, and it was like 2am. it was crazy. she looked so beautiful; she was in her pjs, like a tanktop and pj pants, and looked so gorgeous. she told me before i came over how ‘gross’ she looked…. i was like “what the fuck…. you dont look gross at all!!!” she doesnt give herself enough credit, seriously. i love this girl to death hehe… but yeah, we pretty much sat there talking for hours.
    she told me about a ‘hole’ in the floor too that she and her roommate covered with carpet. glued-down carpet. a man-sized hole. now that gave me sinister, morbid ideas, and i thought of a crawlspace under the house, of people coming through the floor. dead perhaps. wow. i shouldn’t have voiced that though, because it scared her, and that was the exact reason i was there, to NOT scare her. oh well. it was a fun thought, and i find myself wondering where that hole leads…..
    now all of you may think this is questionable, a ‘grey area,’ etc. she said that her back hurt and she joked about wanting a 24-hr massage service. me, being the candid person i am — i decided to offer her a massage. shes like “really? you dont have to” and im like fuck yeah… “i’d love to give you one.” i was originally going to give her just a neck and shoulder massage, because that’s what she said hurt, but i decided to give her a full back massage too. i’m not usually good at that thing either, but for some reason my hands were magical. it felt so fucking good, made me happy. she was happy too, and i was glad i could help and make her feel better. it was not without ulterior motives, lol, cos it was as good for me as it was for her i’m sure, but for the most part i just wanted to make her happy and all. i decided to give her a hand massage too, because i think i’m fairly good at them. i told her it might put her to sleep, lol, and i was exactly right. after i’d given her a massage on both hands, she was so sleepy.
    by this time it was almost 5am, and i knew i needed to get home soon. we lay there talking some more, and finally, sadly, i had to go home. i told her i had been listening to Dido on the way over, randomly, and that i didn’t listen to many girls. she gave me just the cure. she handed me a cd-r and said “take this and listen to it, you’ll love it.” the album was Mirah – Advisory Committee. i made sure to protect the cd (she didn’t give me a case for it) and took it home with me, but before i left i got a huge hug from her and smiled and told her to have a wonderful night and sleep tight. i went home, happy and sleepy. i didn’t crash until almost 6am, and then the next morning didn’t wake up till almost 2pm (?).
    now i want to make something abundantly clear here. i didn’t “do anything” with her. nothing. i sure as hell wanted to. i would have loved to…. and if i had a shred less of self-control… well, don’t ask. you know that i would date her if i could, or at least try, but it’s not going to happen. not now (cf. here for the reasons). i know that doesn’t sound the best, and i realise that. you all know that i love jenn, and that this stuff has sort of torn me apart in some ways, but it makes me so happy at the same time. i dont ever want to lose blythe… she is insanely important to me. anyways…
    monday, 21 march: as i said, i woke up at around 2pm or so. and im sure you all know i was going to hang out with blythe tonight as well, so i got to see her twice instead of once. i had planned on hanging out with claude for a bit tonight, but i really didn’t get my shit together until later. jenn wanted to spend the night, too, since my parents were both gone, and wouldn’t be back until later the next day. anyways, i did go to claude’s, but i didn’t end up going until around 7pm. blythe was going to call me at 8 or after, since that is when she could chill.
    i hung out at claude’s and ate some food from wendys. a lil after 20.00 tho, blythe called, and said i could come over whenever. i told her i was at claude’s but i was leaving soon, and would call her when i was on the way. i stayed at claude’s for a lil bit longer, and then i left, and i called jenn first, telling her i was on the way to blythe’s, cos i told her i’d call. she wasn’t exactly happy about it, as you would expect, since blythe’s roommate wasnt there and we’d be hanging out alone. i had had a conversation earlier with her about it, and she wasn’t happy, but i told her she just had to deal with it, cos i didn’t want to go out anywhere. im sorry if that seemed insensitive, but look… blythe is leaving basically this weekend (she will be gone next weekend) and this may be the last time i get to see her for almost 3 months, so I didn’t care. i did care that jenn was worried, but i didn’t let it stop me from having fun. called blythe after i called jenn, and i was on my way there.
    again, it was really good to see her. i listened to the cd she gave me, Mirah – Advisory Committee, and i LOVED it. absolutely loved it. fuck, if i remember correctly, i popped the cd in, ripped it, and sat back and listened to it. i let the whole cd and its music wash over me, and i loved it completely, blessing her for giving it to me. it is utter brilliance, so check it out if you can (or shh.. let me know ). i told her how much i loved the cd, and she seemed elated that i loved it. i brought over my Hey Dude and Salute Your Shorts DVDs, and well, we planned on watching them, of course. we spent most of the night this time on her comfortable couch; me on the left, she on the right. i decided to be adventurous even: she asked me if i wanted any tea, and i’d had it before, but never really liked it, but decided to take a leap. she offered either mint or some other kind of tea, and i picked mint. so she made me a cup with lots of sugar, and i tried it. it was not too fucking bad at all! not bad at all… it was actually quite good. i may have to look into drinking some more of that shite. so hey, she is didactic as well!
    we sat down and watched an episode of salute your shorts, and it was pretty funny – first episode. we then hung out a bit, talking and all, and then watched 3 episodes (or so) of hey dude! she loved them lol… i didnt realise how horrible, how utterly horrible the actors were on both shows. but its a cheesy, cool kinda horrible it was a lot of fun, and after we got done watching some of them, she asked me if i wanted to play cards. war, to be exact. we were trying to think of other cardgames, and i was trying to remember how to play ’slap’ (or some people call it ‘egyptian ratscrew’ or something like that), but couldn’t for the life of me. it is such a fun game though. i’ll need to look up the rules and then me and her will play it for sure. or any of you, you never know anyways, so we played war. we talked and talked while playing, and had a lot of fun. she asked me at one point: “so what’s the game riding on?” i said “you mean what’s riding on the game?” shes like yeah… i said i didn’t know. she said i had to think of something, and so many thoughts whirled through my head; bad, bad thoughts. i smiled and blushed, and she said “ok, we’re not playing until you figure out what you want if you win!” lol…. so i thought of something. the tamest thing i could think of was getting a hug from her, which was pretty much guaranteed anyways, but i didn’t want to push my luck, you know.
    turns out i won, though, and had to announce and eventually collect my ‘prize.’ i asked her what she wanted if she won, but she was adamant in not telling me, because she realised that it would bug the living shit out of me. lol… what a sweetie. one day i will find out, i’m sure, when it’s too late to do anything about it, lol. i have a feeling it was much more than a hug, but nothing that could be acted upon, sadly. anyways, we sat down then and talked some more, and i asked her if she wanted to hear anything on my ipod, any of my music. so i played my favourite (or one of my favourites) song for her: MF DOOM – DEAD BENT! she thought it was cool… i dont know if she was patronising me or what, but i dont think so, she is really honest and sweet, so i doubt it. i then played DJ Shadow – Organ Donor, and part of Midnight in a Perfect World. she seemed to like those, but then i told her i wanted to play her my DJ mix I did about 5 years ago — DJ Greyor – Double Homicide in the Ghetto. it’s a mix of Sticky Fingaz’ “Ghetto” and Royce Da 5′9″ & Cash Brown’s “Double Homicide.” so i played it for her, wack voice intro and all (she laughed, i guess she thought it was cute), and i gave her sort of a play-by-play on the track. i kept apologising for it sorta… i guess an artist is always most critical of their own work, so it’s nothing new, but i am not sorry for the fruits of my labour. i guess i just hoped she liked it, and she actually thought it was really cool, so i was glad.
    jenn called me twice in the middle of listening to music, though, and i figured she was jealous and all and worried. it was about midnight by now, and i realised it was probably time to come home. i took my leave at around 00.15, giving blythe a huge hug once again, and also returned her cd to her with rave reviews as i said, and i walked out the door into the night. i promised her i would make her copies of hey dude and salute your shorts though in the next couple days, and i did (cf. later). otherwise, i went home, and jenn was waiting for me there. she had started “the incredibles” on my PS2 and was laying on my bed.
    tuesday, 22 march (early a.m.): so jenn and me watched “the incredibles,” which was actually a decent movie, surprisingly. i liked it. after that we got ready to go to sleep, but she was upset about things, about me going to blythe’s, and so we got into a bit of a fight. we made up though, and it was alright, but she nearly walked out on me (just physically, i dont mean breaking up) and almost went home. eventually though we went to sleep and i woke up around 10am next to her, happy.
    day/afternoon: me and jenn decided to go to the beach for the day, and so we got in her car and prepared to go. i brought my ipod along so we could listen to tunes, but we had to run back and get it because she had this sudden urge for us to have it, lol. we went to her house first, she got some stuff, and then we went to arco to get some gas. she filled up, and she bought me a bag of chex mix for the road. i feel bad, because i owe her $ — i’m broke these days, and getting paid soon, or loans at least, but i’m broke for now. i owe her for sure. anyways, we then went over to jack in the box to get some lunch. went through the drive thru, and they fucked up jenns fries (she wanted regular, they gave her seasoned), so she went in and had them fix it. apparently ben from church was in there, and jenn said ‘omg, ben was in there and he didnt recognise me!’ i thought it was hysterical, and i saw ben walking out, which was funny too, and i called claude right away and said “CALL BEN CALL BEN CALL BEN!!! HE’S AT JACK IN THE BOX! BAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHA” claude said he’d do so, and i hung up. me and jenn then got on the road and started driving, and i put on some music. she wanted to listen to Dido, and so we listened to Dido. eventually though i got tired, and i decided to lean the seat back and fall asleep. i dont think i was asleep for more than about 15min though, when we got into Florence.
    we got to Florence, and jenn had to go to the bathroom, so we parked near the waterfront and she went. after that, we went into a couple shops. one of them had samurai-lookin swords, which were illy i bet. anyways, we walked around for awhile, and then we went to BJ’s Ice Cream to get some (you guessed it) ice cream. i got some peanut butter cup ice cream, and jenn got huckleberry or somethin. after we had some ice cream, we decided to go to the beach.
    i drove, and we drove up near heceta head, which is on the oregon coast, for those who don’t know. i parked the car in a turnout overlooking the ocean, next to a bunch of other cars, and we got out and looked at the infinite ocean in front of us. it was a gorgeous view for sure. after looking at it at length, we got back in the car and headed back for Florence. jenn wanted to go to Mo’s then, which is world-famous for its clam chowder (which I don’t eat), and she wanted a bowl of it. so we went there for dinner, and we both got grilled cheese sandwiches, lol, and she got a bowl of chowder. after that, we got in the car and headed for home, since it was about 5pm by then. i drove the whole way home, on windy roads in the midst of rain and cold weather. finally we got home, and to make the night even more interesting, we decided to go to the sinny (a movie).
    night: we were either going to see Ring 2 or Be Cool… and decided on Ring 2. now tonight was a fateful night. christine wanted to come too, and she invited her and jenn’s friend kim and kim’s friend john, who i thought was a royal asshole. he turned out to be cool actually though, he is a decent guy. anyways, i invited claude along too, and so we all planned on meeting at the sinny at 19.30, cos the movie was at 19.40. now…
    i could be wrong, but i think this has been a slightly fateful week. we bought our tickets, and well, who did i see in line across from me? if you guessed blythe, you were right. she was there with some guy, her friend who’s a pre-med major, so i hear, and i asked her what movie they were seeing. ring 2, 19.40. same as us. is that insane or what?!? she told me last night “im beginning to think this was planned” and i said fuck no, i had no idea, LOL. anyways, they went into the movie, and we were waitin for some peeps, but went in soon after they did. sat down in the row behind them, and when jenn got in, she said “you’re sitting there so you can see right down her shirt!” i said nah…. and i even tried to look down her shirt, but it didn’t work — no dice, lol. anyways, we watched the movie, which was horseshit, by the way… not scary at ALL. i didnt get a chance to say bye to her though, but it was ok. after the movie we hung out in the mall for awhile, but ultimately we had to get home. christine had to go see her bf, and jenn had to take both of us home. took me home, and i just relaxed.
    wednesday, 23 march (early a.m.): blythe called me around 1 or 2am, and we talked for a bit… i dont even remember what about. i know i told her i was going to miss her and all and we talked about stuff in general, and how things are sorta tense between us, like sexually and all, i mean how theres tension between us, but it’s cute. i think it’s a cool thing too, though. it’s fun to flirt and all…. i know i wish i could do things, but yeah, it’s a dead horse really. if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, and fate will see that it comes to pass. until then, i’m just doing my thing, and being a good friend and loving her as much as i can. i promised her i’d make her those dvds, and so i started ripping and burning them. however, it came to be almost 5am, and i believe i crashed in the middle of ripping a dvd.
    morning: woke up around 08.00, strangely enough, horrified. went back to sleep until around 13.00 though. felt better. called jenn and said hi, talked to her for a bit, then i called blythe a bit later, because i wanted 1) her to come over and chill, and i’d give her the dvdrs or 2) go over there and chill for a bit. well, me and anna went down and got some food at PC after awhile. i got some pizza, yay! rootbeer too. went home, ate. dvdrs were finished, but a couple episodes were fucked. apparently my dvdrs got scratched or something, bleh. anyways, burnt as much as i could, oh well. thought that counts.
    afternoon: she said it’d be better if i come over, since she was making dinner. so at around 17.00, against my better judgment, i went over there. i worried cos i didn’t tell jenn where i was going, i just went, and hoped that she wouldn’t call and wonder where i was. surprisingly, she didn’t, which was good. i feel kinda bad saying that, acting all secretive, but i knew she woulda blown up if she knew i went over there today. so i went over, dvdrs in tow, and again walked over that heavenly threshold. blythe was making dinner, some kinda tuna sandwich and some soup (chowder i think), and so i watched her cook and she gave me a pepsi to drink (yay) and we talked a bunch. i love talking to her; she is so interesting and fun to talk to, and really cute. i played with her cat lily and all too, and we just sat there talking and talking. we started talking about graduation, and i asked her if she would be able to come to mine, but it turned out (we looked it up) that mine is at the same time as her best friend’s… and i understand, it’s all good. i said no worries, we’ll meet up later and get smashed or something, bahahaha, cos i’ll be 21 by then. i helped her out with her computer a bit too, and helped some with firefox. she got firefox cos a friend told her to, but i think it was me who really got her into it, yay! i showed her how to get themes and shite, all that. then she asked me about ripping and burning DVDs, and i tried to show her how. we ripped shrek2, and were all ready to burn it, but it turns out her drive only writes CD-R/RW, not DVDs. it can read DVDs, but won’t write them, which is wack, because she said she thought she paid for a DVD writer upgrade on her new laptop.
    night: by the time we finished the DVD stuff up, and concluded that her drive can only write CDs, it was almost 20.00, and she told me that she had to go at 20.00, so i let her know, and i thought i should be getting home anyways. so i gave her a huge hug (hugs are good!) and squeezed her tight, sadly realising that it would be the last time (probably) i’d see her until the end of May. it’s alright though. i was sad but happy at the same time, and i hope her trip is awesome and she has so much fun in London! im gonna miss her like hell though……. at least seein her. i walked out the door and into the rain, but before i left she said “bye, dear” and i smiled at her before walking into the rain. got into my car and drove home.
    claude called and he wanted to hang out, and so i invited him over to watch a kungfu flick with me and anna. we got some $ from my dad, and went to safeway to get some munchies. claude didn’t dig the kungfu though, and we decided to watch Anchorman instead. after we watched that, it was around midnight or so, and so claude went home. i wanted to catch up on point pleasant, so i watched 3 episodes in a row (yay!). i noticed that blythe left me 2 msgs, and she said that her back was sore and all… lol… i felt bad cos i so would have given her a massage if i could, but i couldn’t. i called her though, and i talked to her for a few minutes, but she was on the verge of sleep, so it wasnt long like i said. it was nice though… it made me happy but sad at the same time. itll be alright though. got off the phone with her and well, I decided to write all of this.
    thursday, 24 march (early a.m.): here i am, writing, inspired by Love and the Muses. i must sleep soon though. it is almost 6am, and i need to rest. i love you all, and i’ll get back to you later. sorry for such a monster entry, but it just kept pouring out of me. peace be with you all and sleep well. thank you for reading all of this if you have. it means a lot.

 

Ξ Sunday, 20 Mar 2005 at 03:29 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    life is a wondrous thing. so is death. i went to work today from 14.00-22.30, and it was surprisingly not too bad. i even got to cover a lunchbreak out in lawn and garden, out and exposed to the elements. it was a windy day outside, and cold as can be. skies were darkening rapidly, even at around 17.00, and the rain was almost inevitable. i was standing out there enjoying all of this, remembering last summer when the same thing happened and i smiled as the rain poured down upon me and the air smelled so fresh and new that it seemed as if it had never been breathed before. eventually the rain did come, but only in sprinkles, and standing out there, it just wasn’t the same. i looked at the hills fairly close by, and the houses nestled in them, and wondered about the view they had over the whole valley and of those steel-grey skies. looking west i could see a bit of sunlight shining down through the layers and layers of clouds, like piercing javelins they rained down, welcome but at the same time deadly dangerous; lucida tela diei, opacas per nubes decadentia (the shining spears of day, falling down through the opaque clouds).
    Cf. Lucretius, De rerum natura 1.146ff:

    hunc igitur terrorem animi tenebrasque necessest
    non radii solis neque lucida tela diei
    discutiant, sed naturae species ratioque.

    Therefore, it is necessary that neither the rays of the sun nor the shining spears of day,
    But the aspect and law of nature should shatter this terror and darkness of the mind.
    (my translation)

    i’ve digressed, however. i worked the rest of my shift, and went home at 22.30. got home, and decided to go out to get some munchies, so i took anna with me to safeway, and we got some shite to eat, and then went home. i convinced her to watch Gladiator, which i’ve been trying to get her to watch for 5 years now, since the fucking movie came out, and she finally did, and loved it! i’m glad. i haven’t seen that movie in awhile, so it was good to see it again…. it is brilliant. after that, i got on the computer, but after not too long, claude called and wanted to bullshit, so i talked to him for awhile and then got off the phone.
    i came back, having forgotten to put up an away msg, and blythe and a couple others msged me. i had a nice convo with blythe (they always are) and we are gonna hang out monday night! O Lunae pulcherrimum diem! (O most beautiful Monday! [day of the Moon]). yay!! well, she just went to sleep, and i decided to write a bit on here. god, i am going to love this fucking week. no school, no work (until next saturday), and just chillin ahead!! yay!!!
    now i have a few different choices tonight, since it is 03.27:
    1) read some robert frost like i did last night… gorgeous stuff.
    2) stay on here for awhile longer
    3) play xenosaga episode I. i know i want to. especially since episode 2 is out, and if i beat episode 1, wellllll…..

    i’ll choose one of those. most likely i’ll be around a bit longer on here, so msg me if you like. much love to everyone. i love the fucking Muses!

 

Ξ Saturday, 19 Mar 2005 at 03:12 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    IT’S SPRING BREAK, BITCHES!!!
    YAY! so yeah, i’m finally done with school for a measly week. but hey, a week is a week, for fuck’s sake. it was such a long night last night, honestly…. thursday night that is, and friday morning. it’s early saturday morning now, and I have wRk at 14.00. bleh. so hmm…
    friday, 18 mar (early a.m.): i honestly didn’t start writing on my shit until around midnight, when i finally realised that the shit was ON. really, since i had about 10hrs to finish it all, i decided i’d better get my ass in gear. i was reading before a bit, and finished Daphnis and Chloe, a pastoral novel written by Longus in the early 2nd century AD (?). i started writing out evidence and quotes for my first paper, which was comparing culture vs. nature and its interactions in Longus as well as Ovid’s Art of Love (Ars Amatoria). what i concluded was that in Longus’ writing, nature and culture peacefully coexist, neither exploiting the other selfishly, but in Ovid’s didactic, culture exploits nature, since Ovid illustrates his adulterous and racy agenda with nature similes and metaphors. but yeah, that was my first paper.
    i didn’t start writing that paper just yet though, since my Thucydides paper needed to be written as well. if you recall, i wrote an oral report out concerning the Athenian general Alkibiades’ role in the downfall of the Sicilian expedition 415-413 BC, and well, my paper was concerning the same topic. What I did is take the oral report I wrote out, which was already pretty much in paper form, double-space it (it was 5pg single-spaced), and write a suitable intro and polish up the conclusion, all the while polishing small details here and there. well fuck, the paper was 10pg then, for christ’s sake, and so my work was practically already done. tacked on a works cited citing the 5 or so books I used, and I was done. I finished this venture around 01.30 or 01.45, and then decided it was time to start and finish my two other papers that needed to be written.
    i didn’t even take any naps or catch any winks of sleep last night; generally, i at least snatch a bit of sleep, but that is when i only have one paper to write. three is a whole different ballgame. so i got to work on the other paper, about Longus and Ovid, and ended up writing around 3.5pg of it. i believe i finished that around 05.00, and the next paper I wrote was about Ovid and Propertius, and how their poetry undermines and subverts traditional Roman morals and the Augustan moral reform program of the late 1st century BC and early 1st century AD. it was a brilliant paper, and I wrote it to be almost 3pg. i finished this at around 07.00 or so, and i was proud of myself, and still, surprisingly, very, very lucid. i went upstairs and showed my mum the papers, and she liked them. she said she’d take me to go turn them in, and so i got dressed and ready to go, and we went out the door.
    turns out the Classics department office didn’t open until 9am, and we got there around 8am exactly. we had some time to kill, and my mum had to pay off the electric bill, so we went to EWEB to do so, but they weren’t open until 9am either. fuck. i proposed that we get some breakfast, and that we did. we went to original house of pancakes, and i got some bacon pancakes. ill shit, you all need to try them sometime. they put bacon in the fucking batter and then make the pancakes, and sprinkle diced bacon onto the top of the silver dollar-sized pancakes as well. fuck yeah. we ate and then went back to EWEB, since it was about 9, and she paid the bill when they opened. then we went back to turn in my papers, and i turned them in to the office, safe and sound! left the building, got back into the car, and we drove home.
    i descended into sweet sleep at around 09.30, and i can’t remember what i dreamt of. in any case, i didn’t wake up until close to 16.30, and then i remembered i had a lot of shit to do. well rested, though, which was good. i asked anna if she wanted to come with me on errands, and she did, so i took her along. i had about 14 or so books to return to the library (i used them for my Thucydides and Aeneid papers), and so we did that first off. my backpack was full of the books, and was completely empty afterwards. we then went out to shopko to get my check, and i found out that i’m working at 14.00 today. yeah. got my check, cashed it at the bank, and then got a $20 out. decided to go get some dinner, and so we went to burger king. after that, we went back home, and i set out to do a couple grad school apps.
    my mum gave me her credit card, and i filled out two applications: San Francisco State, and UCSB (Santa Barbara). that took me until like 19.00, though, and after i did those two I went over to Jenn’s. jenn and her parents were watching Flight of the Phoenix, and it seemed to be a decent movie. i just caught the tail end of it, and after it was over, she wanted to get out of the house, so we left. we went to dairy queen then, and i got a blizzard and she got a pecan praline parfait, a fucking PPP, bahahaha, and a corndog. after eating our stuff, we drove towards my house, and i proposed that we go see my grandparents, since i hadn’t seen them in a long time. i called them, and they were home (it was 21.00 on a friday night, of course they were home), and we drove over there to see them. it was good to talk to them and visit for awhile, and i think jenn had fun too, and we talked till around 22.15 or so, and then left to go rent a movie. i wanted to rent Get Shorty, because I want to see its sequel Be Cool, but it was checked out on DVD, and my VCR is broken so I couldn’t watch it on VHS. we settled on another movie, then — i had heard I Heart Huckabees was good, and so we decided to rent that. it was one of the funniest movies i’ve seen in a long time. it was fucking hysterical, insanely weird, and just plain WEIRD. i loved it! it was totally my type of movie, and i am going to buy it ASAP. actually, i just added it to my dvdaficionado wishlist. so jenn and me watched that shite, and finished with it around 01.00.
    saturday, 19 mar (early a.m.): jenn and me spent a bit more time together, snuggling, and then i took her home. listened to the donnie darko soundtrack on the way home — that shit is fucking brilliant for sure. got home, and claude called at like 2am. i bullshit for awhile with him, and now here i am, writing away. i should go to sleep soon. i feel like either 1) staying on here, 2) reading robert frost, or 3) playing xenosaga. i don’t know which will win out, but i’ll probably let you guys know later. much love, and i will be back tomorrow for sure. i’ve got wRk until 22.30, but let me know if you want to chill afterwards, i will probably still be up for it! catch you all later, and have a wonderful night. zZZzz…