sometimes i feel so sublime…

Ξ Tuesday, 30 Nov 2004 at 09:41 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    In regards to my earlier post… I’d just like to add something as a postscriptum before I formally begin this entry. I posted a comment on “NoFood’s” blog maybe a half hour ago today, and I immediately got a comment back. Apparently I have no idea what I’m talking about, and don’t realise what girls have to go through, and it’s none of my business. I really wasn’t trying to be an asshole writing that post, but fuck, it’s infuriating how skewed things are. If you see the comment on the last entry, she refers to environmental and domestic factors, such as a domineering and oppressive mother. Not to sound insensitive, but it really doesn’t fucking matter what factors are there. I’m sorry, but it’s no excuse to buy into this bullshit. Fuck them all. Fight back! Don’t be passive about this in any way. I know all girls have the power to fight this harmful ideology and philosophy, yet I think many aren’t utilising that faculty.
    As I remarked on my friend roughdraft1’s blog, I do have a vested interest in this. My girl, as you all know, is a chubby, bigger girl (she’s like 240 or so?), and I’ve had to build up her self-esteem since we started going out, and these days she is pretty happy with herself for the most part. It’s sad that I had to do that though, that she didn’t think she was beautiful and all when she is. Same with a number of my girl friends, who are bigger girls and incredibly gorgeous, but they (at least when I first got to know them) were insecure and didn’t take compliments well. I freely give compliments, as many of you know, and it’s not flattery or bullshit, but pure honesty. So yes, it is my motherfucking business. If I knew someone who died of anorexia or another disorder, I think I would give a fuck. Even if I didn’t know them, it’d just add to my conglomerate lament of American society and I’d be further saddened because someone died due to this affliction.
    All I know is that if these words help encourage anyone, then I will be happy. I should hope that this is not a discouraging approach to the issue — I think it’s just very direct and candid, and people aren’t really used to that. I’m not going to walk on periphrastic eggshells here. That’s not an effective strategy at the moment. Sometimes it can be, but I think directness is very important here. It’s also painfully ironic when the very disorders we try to prevent, i.e. anorexia and bulimia (the two big ones, yea) — are epitomised and exemplified in the TV/movie celebrity and fashion worlds. Is that not ridiculous? Yes, some do get picked up on the radar, like Mary-Kate Olsen, who I don’t care for much anyways. But did anything really come of that? I thought she was back to her old ways, the last I heard, even after going through rehab *shrugs*. I guess I could go on all day about this shit, but I’m not going to, because it’s useless and I’ll just end up repeating myself. On to other matters.

    It’s Tuesday, and I’m getting my internet back today!! Comcast should be there in perhaps 20min at the earliest (it’s about 9:40am), and we’ll get it all installed!! I’m happy about that. I’m thinking I might hop on IRC on my handheld just for the hell of it, but I don’t know if I’ll have time before class. Hmm… anyways, I guess my entry ended up flipping over… intro became the entry and the “intro” became the conclusion. Not much to say, just out of it. Much love to everyone, and thank you to all you faithful readers! pZ.

1 Comment

about the whole compliments thingy i understand where some people are coming from about not taking compliments all that well.  I am one of those people.  It is only because we are nto always giving compliments.  And when some does you often wonder are they lying are they tellign the truth.  It is often hard to tell if you have self esteem problems.  All I know is that i am part of those people who dont take compliments all that well.  I wish I could do a better job but then there are family members who make fun of me.  To the point where I want to say fuck you, who cares what you have to say.  Mainly to my grandparents and step dad.  Well talk to you later.

Peace

Posted 11/30/2004 at 6:59 PM by ryznstar2000

Ξ Monday, 29 Nov 2004 at 12:58 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    omfg. I just logged out of here, and I saw as one of the nicks in featured content: NoFood_EqualsThin. Uh oh. I don’t like the sounds of that. I just looked at the page, and I’m fucking disturbed. The tagline reads “No Food Equals Thin and Perfect.” Wow, what a perfect thing to indoctrinate teenage and college girls with. Hell, might as well brainwash the tweens and kids too, eh? It seems so ridiculous as to almost be satirical. I doubt that is the case here though.
    Interests include: Fasting, Loosing [sic] Weight, Ana/Mia, Counting Calories. This blog scares the fuck out of me. I remember posting about another blog I saw before, someone counting calories and all that shit, encouraging everyone else to. I’m still of the same mindset. This sort of reprogramming angers me to no end and, as I said, scares the fuck out of me. Fasting, for Christ’s sake (pardon the pun or etc.). Isn’t fasting a religious thing? As far as I know, the idea of fasting came from the Fasti, religious celebration days in ancient Rome (not Christianity, but paganism), but I think only in name. I don’t remember anything about not eating on those days; far as I know it was the exact opposite, with feasts (notice the etymology somewhat?). In any case, this blog is fucked.
    I looked at some of the nicks of the people on the “fasting” list they have, and just a select, eerie few are: dying2bprrfect, crying_the_poundZ_away, skinny_sweetheart_hopes, bonesRbeauty, ZeroXCalorie, dying2bethin7…. even the nicks scare the fuck out of me. I’m not trying to make an ad hominem/feminam attack, but fuck… Even these few people are ridiculously misinformed and I’d almost say in a state of psychosis. I would be surprised it isn’t a gathering place for anorexics and bulimics to revel in their stupidity. Shit. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since much of the world (especially, especially the US) subscribes to an anorexic standard of beauty. Girls who look half-dead and almost as strung-out dope fiends are referred to as “supermodels” (I’m not saying all are bad, because some actually don’t look half-bad). Models aren’t too much better, but at least they eat something occasionally and I doubt they purge all that often. Am I being unfair? *shrugs* Hopefully not.
    My problem is that I’m sick and fucking tired of this country’s bullshit ideology on beauty, and that is why I rail against it every single time possible. I try to be an example, to set an example that beauty is not only a size 2. I’m not saying a girl who’s a size 2 can’t be beautiful. I’m saying that those people who think that that’s the only type of beautiful girl (or thinner) are fucking retarded. Hell, if someone says “Oh, only girls that are 130lbs and 6′1″ are beautiful,” I’m gonna think they’re a fucking assclown, because they truly are.
    I’m digressing from my main point. My point is that I don’t like to see this backwards, deleterious ideology perpetuated by ignorant motherfuckers who think that beauty can only be thin. Don’t let this ridiculous society tell you what to think is beautiful and what not to. Decide for your fucking self. If you dig thin girls, go for thin girls. If you dig bigger girls, go for them. Don’t let society, the media, movies, and all that other horseshit influence you. The media have such a deathgrip on the reins of popularity and the standards of beauty that it’s fucking scary, but don’t give in to it.
    For girls who are reading this: If you know me at all, you know I don’t hate or have anything against thinner girls. I think if you’re just naturally thin, or whatever, or you want to work out and shape up for YOURSELF, then that’s fine. Don’t ever fucking do that for any other reason than yourself. Not for your peers, not because of TV or movies, not because of anyone. Sometimes there’s pressure to gain weight, which is the same thing only reversed, but still, it doesn’t seem as bad. Maybe I’m biased, however. I’m not going to go into that though LOL. That’s something that depends on the person, I guess. All I’m saying is don’t change yourself, your appearance, or anything like that because of these superficial, ridiculously inane norms we’ve buried deep in the roots of society. Fuck them all.
    Anyways, check out the blog (link above)…. you’ll probably agree with me that it’s pretty fucked. lol. anyways that’s my 2c. You’d better hope I don’t find another weird blog when I logout now! bahaha…. much love everyone, peace.

4 Comments

lol no you’re on point, that kind of obsession is fucked up. peace man… and dont let comcast fuck up the pc!

Posted 11/29/2004 at 6:41 PM by roughdraft1

Uh Huh..
It’s fine to have your opinion and say that because we’re anorexic and what not that it’s fucked up.. and I’m not sitting here trying to start an argument.. really.. if you wanna have a discussion about this so that we can both present our side I’d rather you leave comments on Anas_Loser.. Anyway, It’s all well and fine and you are entitled to what you believe.. but I’m also entitled to what I believe.. And I believe that you have NO idea what you are talking about.. to you.. yes anorexia is disgusting.. but.. have you ever even taken the time to get to know someone.. such as myself.. WHY we are anorexic? For one thing, I’ve had a pretty screwed up life.. and I have emotional problems.. my mom contributes to the fact that I’m “ana”.. She calls me chubby and promotes that I should eat less and excercise a whole lot more.. No to mention.. I feel as if I have NO control over my life.. My mom pretty much makes all my decisions for me.. OR.. she tries to.. and so if this one thing makes me feel like I have control.. then so be it.. To tell you the truth.. this has nothing.. ansolutely NOTHING.. to do with you! If I died.. you would gain and you would lose.. nothing! That’s just life.. so really.. it’s none of your business what people do to themselves unless it has anything to do with you or that someone is your friend.. I have alot more to say about this.. but obviously I’m not going to try to sit here and explain something I know you will never understand..
<33
NoFood_EqualsThin

Posted 11/30/2004 at 9:10 PM by NoFood_EqualsThin

absolutely**

Posted 11/30/2004 at 9:11 AM by NoFood_EqualsThin

yooo… no one cares.. lol just playin. its a mental disorder as anything else is, he’s just saying that its based on something really dumb and you’re messed up for no good reason. it is some serious shit you are doing to yourself tho not eating and all. you cant defend anorexia when its possible to lose weight and still eat healthy. but whatever.. and dont tell him he cant understand you cause hes a smart motherfucker. rough, out..

Posted 11/30/2004 at 2:53 PM by roughdraft1

Ξ Monday, 29 Nov 2004 at 12:32 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    well, i’m back in the land of the living. for now. my internet will hopefully be reinstated by tomorrow, since comcast will be coming out to set up our cable. the only thing that sorta pisses me off is the fact that they have to install everything. that means everything. they won’t “guarantee” the service unless they install everything (i.e. they won’t fix it for free if it fucks up), and so that means they have to fuck with my computer. i don’t like that shit. i don’t trust hardly anyone with my computer. just got sensitive information on there, and i dunno, strangers fucking with it doesnt seem like my idea of fun. i hope all they will do is install the card and let me do the rest, cos i dont want to have to give my XP password out. I guess i could always change it. oh well.
    speaking of that installation issue, it came up this morning really. my mum got all pissed off cos i wanted to do the shit myself, and she argued that i fucked up the DSL modem, so why wouldn’t I fuck up the cable? *shrugs* Fuzzy logic, to be sure, since I really didn’t fuck up the modem, it fucked itself up. Yeah, we can point fingers saying “if you didn’t mess with the settings this never would have happened,” but that’s a “what if.” What-ifs are sometimes a favourite with me, but I try to stay away from that habit. The point is, I don’t understand how it’s a problem if I install my own network card. Fucking retarded. Oh well. I think I’ll probably have to back down on this shit though, cos it’s probably not worth it to argue and bitch.
    It’s been a long fucking weekend. I wish I could have written earlier, actually. I’ll detail it as well as I can for you all, from what I can remember (It’s a fucking blur)…
    Wednesday (the last day I posted)… what did I do? Ahh yes. I went to class, as usual, and it was a good day. I met Jenn after class and first off took her home to my house, and well, we spent some quality time together, if you know what i mean, and that was good. I took her home a bit later, and I think we watched some TV (OC from the week before?) which was good. We were going to hang out with Christine, but I also…. oh yeah! I remember now. From about 12 till almost time for my class I talked to April, which was great… she is so fucking awesome! I wanted to hang out with her that night, and well, we were trying to make plans with Christine too. I eventually ended up driving Jenn to Christine’s and staying there for a bit, then April called, gave me directions to her house, and I went over there.
    We hung out till almost 2am. It was ill. I think Jenn got a bit jealous though, cos we had a convo about that while I was on the way home, and it kinda sucked. In any case, we hung out and shit, talked, just chilled at her house and it was really nice. Her roommate Michelle (who Christine used to work with) came home a bit later on, and she was cool to chill with too. We decided to watch a movie at like 11, and watched Dude Where’s My Car, which I’d never seen before. That movie is fucking hilarious! anyways… We hung out for quite awhile after that, just relaxing. April is 23 and she has 2 kids, and one of them was there (it’s complicated, don’t ask) sleeping, and I think we woke him up… he’s like 3 or so, and he came out and so we entertained him for awhile. She seems like a really good mother to me, which is great… really sweet and just a wonderful person! she’s beautiful as well, but yea anyways!
    I got home from April’s, and I think I stayed up until like 4am. I fucked some things up though, and well, I won’t go into them because they’re inconsequential now, things are good…. no use rehashing woes.
    Thursday: Thanksgiving of course. I don’t think I woke up until like 12 or so, and I think I went to Jenn’s later on, like 3. I had Thanksgiving dinner at her grandma’s house, which was cool, but after staying for about 3 hours, I’d had enough, but I think most of the rest of us did too. It’s weird, because my dad is the same way sometimes when we go to my grandma’s house (my mom’s mom). He doesn’t like to stay very long, while me and Anna (my sis) could really care less, it doesn’t matter. I guess it’s just a familial thing… I guess how I felt too reminded me of that. *shrugs*
    Otherwise, I took Jenn home and we hung out for a bit, then I went home. I was just chillin at home, talking on the phone…. mind you, this was night, it was pitch black out, ok? All of a sudden I hear this tapping at my window. I heard that and I went “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?! WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? WHO THE FUCK IS THERE????” bahahahaha…. I looked through the window and CLAUDE popped up, and I was like FUCK!!! I opened the door for him off of the deck and let him in. I was like “Dude, you scared the living shit out of me!” he’s all crackin up and shit, and it actually was kinda funny in retrospect. Oh well. This was around 9:30 or so, and I got off of the phone and then we decided to go out and get some food. Nothing was open, of course, except for Jack in the Box. They stayed open until 10pm, and we made it there at like 9:50 and I got some food. I didn’t eat much at dinner, so it was good, and I hadn’t been to Jack in the Box for awhile anyways. We went back home to my house then, but then I had to get to sleep in not too long so I told Claude I couldn’t really hang out.
    After that I think I went to sleep at around 11. I had to wake up at 3am the next morning to go to work by 4:45. Jesus fucking Christ, it was a long day the next day.
    Friday (the biggest and worst shopping day [disaster] of the year): Bright and early at 3am my alarm went off. I got out of bed by around 3:45 and was out the door by 4:20 or so. Got to work, and it was such a fucking long day…. I was there until 3pm. After work I was about to fucking explode, and so I went home and just chilled. The next day I had to work at 6:45am, so I needed to just relax. I haven’t really seen Jenn all weekend either, except for Saturday night (I’ll get to that), which kinda sucked. Surprisingly I didn’t have to deal with too many assholes today though, because I worked Service Desk and just basically stood behind the desk the whole day…. word. What the motherfuck did I do Friday night? Christ, I can’t even fucking remember, it’s such a blur…. argh. It’s funny, because the last three days are pretty fuzzy, but I can remember Wed and Thurs pretty clearly. Probably cos of work clouding my mind and tiring me the fuck out. Back to work at 6:45am the next day. if i remember correctly i went to claude’s and watched Elf, which was fucking hilarious.
    Saturday: work, work, work. i don’t remember what i did after work. i think i just relaxed and then i went to see jenn at work at around 9pm. was going to watch a movie after that but decided against it. went to sleep. work the next day at 6:45am.
    Sunday: now we’re in the present, almost. worked until 4pm. went home, relaxed. went to church at 7pm. got home at around 9 or so. popped in “Total Recall” and watched that shit. Fucking great movie. Went to sleep not long after.

    We’re in the present now, and I don’t really have shit to say. I guess I talked about today earlier in the post, which is cool. Not too much to say. I’m going to Jenn’s tonight to study and to see her, since we haven’t spent that much time together lately. Anyways, I’m droning on and on, as I tend to do, and I’m fucking hungry as hell, so i’ll have to write more tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll have my internet back then, and it’ll be all good!! Peace everyone. It’s good to be (almost) back.

Ξ Wednesday, 24 Nov 2004 at 11:26 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    last night when i wrote that post I was at my grandparents’ house. they’ve got comcast and it is actually surprisingly fast, even on their win98, oldskool machine. i’m fucking tired. i went to bed at like 11:30 last night cos i was so tired. yesterday was a waking nightmare. long day to say the least. today has been good so far; i just hope we can get internet back in the next couple of days.
    my greek prof is hilarious. he said that the class we’re taking next quarter, on euripides “cyclops,” is going to suck ass. he said that cyclops is boring as fuck and that we shouldn’t even waste our time on that. shit was fucking hilarious… so i decided i’m going to take thucydides with him next quarter, 411 (3rd year) and it’ll be ill. i need to consult with my advisor, however, on whether i can take it in lieu of 302 or not. hopefully that’ll be the case, and then maybe i’ll take 303 in the spring. *shrugs* anyways, that’s boring. i’m still trying to get into the gender and sexuality class too, which is motherfucking full. argh. soon.
    i’ve not been that introspective lately. just been tired and out of it. oh yes, and apparently adikos and phonos will be no more. yes, you heard right *sighs*. adikos and phonos are my two eggdrop (ro)bots, running online and keeping everything clean and running smoothly for me while i chat and etc. well, i’ve got less than the $10 required per month in my account, and it’s kinda fucked. i’m broke as hell. so i’m forced to relinquish the accounts. just did, in fact… just deleted all the shit in there, so they can delete it right now. fuck. anyways….
    sorry i don’t have more to say. i hate being without internet… argh…. but yeah. much love. pZ.

2 Comments

shite man… take it ez

Posted 11/24/2004 at 3:08 PM by roughdraft1

hey are you ever online? 

Ξ Tuesday, 23 Nov 2004 at 16:42 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    Well, the speech sucked. I didn’t do as well as I should have done. But oh well. You can only do the best you can right? *shrugs*. My router blew up too; the DSL modem is no more. Now we have to either get Comcast or Verizon, and as I don’t think Verizon is an option, I think we’ll have to go with Comcast. *grimaces*… oh well. It’ll be fast at least. Shite. Anyways, I’m out for now… I miss you all… take it easy… I’m exhausted… much love peace.

Ξ Monday, 22 Nov 2004 at 13:14 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Normal |

    I’ll change my profile pic on here soon, btw. I dunno though, I like the looks of it… *shrugs* I need a newer one though. I’ll take one soon… just not feeling all that photogenic at the moment. just thought i’d remark on that. pZ.